How Do You Solve a Problem Like Barry, Uh ...

So I went 90 miles north on Saturday to watch the Brewers host the Giants, courtesy of my good friend Jeff Ponczak. Toward the end of the game, while listening to the sellout crowd roundly boo Barry Bounds for the fourth time, Ponz commented that the only real reason he doesn’t want to see Bonds break the all-time home run record is that Bonds is such a prick.

I told him I couldn’t agree more. People complain that Bonds’ record will be tainted because of his well-documented steroid use, and that’s true, but it’s really just convenient ammunition. Consider what relatively little outcry there would have been if Sammy Sosa had passed Henry Aaron’s sacred milestone of 755. Even if Mark McGuire, a world-class asshole in his own right, had broken the record, there would be some dismay but nothing like the vociferous opposition we’re seeing with Bonds.

Me personally, I’ve been secretly hoping that someone would kinda-sorta “accidentally” hit Bonds in the hand with a pitch, breaking his hand and ending his season – and, effectively, his career. You know, kind of like an unintentional intentional walk, except that this would be an unintentional intentional way of telling Bonds that there’s nobody left in the entire league who wants him around, much like the time in high school when I tried to join a pickup basketball game at the gym, and when my turn came to shoot a free throw to decide teams, another eight balls came flying out of the line behind me to knock mine out of the air. But it’s my problem, and I’ll deal with it.

Now, where were we? Oh yes … breaking Barry Bonds’ hand …

As much as it would be fitting for Bonds to be unceremoniously removed from the equation for the way he’s shit all over baseball, it also occurred to me that it would be strangely fitting for him to have broken the record in Milwaukee, for the way Bud Selig has shit all over baseball. Of course, that’s not going to happen, either.

So Bonds will go back to San Francisco, he’ll break the home run in front of a friendly crowd (or at least a tepid crowd, which is still better than he could hope for anywhere else), and what remains of pro sports’ respectability will erode a little bit further. Maybe it’s time I should just stop watching.

Except that the Cubs are finally getting hot …