Illinois vs. Northwestern: The Toilet Bowl

First, it should be noted that Illini Nation has already turned the calendar to the “Basketball Season” page and stapled it open right there. And Northwestern fans have gone back to, like, the library, or wherever it is Northwestern fans go.

As far as football goes, it’s been a disappointing season for both teams. But there’s one last game on the schedule, so I guess they’d better play it. Here’s what’s most likely to happen …

Illinois comes out confident and easily rolls to a 17-3 lead after the first quarter. The Illini fans almost allow themselves a momentary sigh of relief, but in the time it takes to inhale, Illinois turns over the ball on its next eight possessions and Northwestern is suddenly in command at 55-17. Then Illinois’ Pierre Thomas, in his last collegiate game, goes positively ape-scat and brings the Illini roaring back in the second half. Six touchdowns later, Illinois is holding a 59-55 lead with time winding down and Northwestern looks like it will again have to live with the ignomy of giving up the biggest comeback in NCAA history, besting its own record set just this year.

Then, after an entire game of running triple reverses, halfback option passes, fumblerooskies and other bizarre trick plays, Ron Zook suddenly turns conservative and fails to get a first down to milk the clock. Forced to punt from deep in its own end with just over a minute left, the Illini rugby-style punter misfires so badly that the ball actually flies backward, out of the end zone, for a Northwestern safety. It’s now 59-57, with Northwestern getting the ball back. Although the Wildcats have no timeouts left, they manage to move the ball at will, picking up first downs and stopping the clock with sideline passes, mostly because the dumbstruck Illinois defensive backs are wandering around aimlessly and scratching their heads in wonderment of what’s going on around them.

With four seconds left, Northwestern lines up for a 52-yard field goal. The snap is made. The kick is up. It travels a direct path toward the center of the uprights. It hits the top of its trajectory and begins to turn downward well before it reaches its destination. It appears that it will fall just short, when a friendly gust off of Lake Michigan shoots through Ryan Field and pushes the ball just over the crossbar. For the third time this season, Illinois is beat on a last-second field goal as Northwestern wins, 60 to 59!!

OK, so maybe it won’t come down quite like that. But remember that Illinois is favored, so it’s safe to bet the mortgage on Northwestern.